CHAPTER
1
“Welcome back Marissa” said my boss Nicole.
“Thanks Nic” I smiled. I went to go into my room to set up. “oh, Marissa?” I
backtracked. “you have a new girl, Kaitlin” Nic told me. “today?” I asked
smiling. The name Kaitlin reminded me of a friend of mine. Nic nodded and
handed me her enrollment form. I glanced quickly through it. Kaitlin was 2,
toilet trained and got called Kait. I wandered into my room where my assistant
Tessa was setting up. “oh, thanks” I smiled gratefully. “how are you?” Tessa
asked. Before I had time to answer one of my children ran up to me crying.
“Jess! Whats wrong?” I asked picking her up. “Ryan stole my baby” Jess
whimpered. I hugged her as Ryan came up. “Ryan” I said sternly. Ryan handed me
the doll and ran off. Jess hopped down and ran over to the sandpit. Tessa
laughed and I smiled. “Uh, Marissa?” I turned towards the door.
A little girl with long black hair and
beautiful blue eyes was standing with her mum. “Kait?” I asked. Her mum nodded.
“I'm Abbey”. I smiled at her. That name reminded me of another friend. I looked
at her. Wow, it was her, so did that mean?...was I going to see him
again?.... “well, I'm Marissa, and this is my assistant Tessa” I say. Tessa
smiled. I showed Abbey where to put Kaitlin's things. When she left, Kaitlin
came to me. Abbey turned at the door. “her dad'll pick her up at around four”
she said. I smiled and Kaitlin waved goodbye. At that point I had no idea what
would happen when I met her dad.
My day was a busy one. Surprisingly there
were a lot of tears. As four o'clock came around I found myself with only four
children. Tessa had gone home, and my room was vacuumed. But I was on till
close. I decided to merge my kids with next doors. I came back to find a man
looking around. “excuse me?” I say warmly. “oh, I'm Kaitlin's dad” he said
turning. A few moments later. “Marissa?” the man says surprised. That was when
I truly looked into his eyes. 'whoa' I thought. Then it hit me, there was only
one person who could stun me like that by looking at me. “Sean?” I ventured. He
smiled and nodded. Then he (possibly because he knew I wouldn't) hugged me. I
hugged him back. As we drew back I stumbled. “I'll...I'll go get Kait” I say. Sean
smiled. A few seconds later, Kaitlin and I returned. “Daddy!” Kaitlin smiled. I
handed her over. “guess what Daddy? Miss Marissa played your favorite song!”
Kaitlin exclaimed. I glanced puzzled at Kaitlin while I mentally replayed my
CD's play list. “ 'This Is Me'? Still?” I whisper. Sean smiles. “obviously its
something you still think about” he says, glancing at me knowingly. I smile
back at him, lost in my thoughts. Then Kaitlin interrupts, “Daddy can we go
home?” she asks. Sean nods and I help pack up Kaitlin's bag. When we're done,
Sean stands there, smiling at me, like he knows what I'm thinking...(well
actually he did know) “you know you want to” he says. I bite my lip for a
second then leaned over and hugged him. When we let go, we laugh. Then he leaves.
I rung my old friend (not to mention Sean's
ex-girlfriend) Grace that night. She was also surprised to hear that he had a
little girl. “I feel sorry for you. This must be hard on you” she says. I
smile. “I'm sorry” I apologize. “your his ex, I think its gotta be harder on
you”. I say. “Marissa, I'm over it, we went out, but it was what? Seven years
ago?” Grace says. I can hear her moving around. “yeah. I'm surprised that I
made up with you, but not him. I've really missed him. He was my best friend...I
loved him” I say, struggling to hold back tears. “I know you have” Grace says
sympathetically. “Marissa? Want me to come over?” she asks. I think for a
second. “no, thanks though” I need to be by myself” I say. We hang up and I go
to bed and dig out my old diary. It'd been ages since I looked at it. As soon
as I opened it, I knew I'd be remembering Sean and how our story went. 'here
goes' I thought.
CHAPTER 2
'March 10/09
I sat next to that guy Sean in Maths today. God, he reminds me of
George...he seems really nice though, I helped him a bit with our work. He
tried to make me laugh a few times. That was funny. Then he reminds me that
lunch was half an hour early today, then he forgets when the bell
rings... I don't want to get too close to him though, cause of him reminding me
of George, God I miss him...But there's something about Sean. I can't explain
it.''
'March 16/09
I asked him out. I broke up with George, and I had a really great
time with Sean today, so I just asked him. He said it was complicated. I looked
at him, and I blurt out “what are you gay?” he says something, and I ran off.
He says he ran after me, but I'm not sure of that. The next day he tells
me that he's not gay, but he has just doesn’t feel that way. Afterwards he just
hugged me. It was really sweet. He kinda put his face in my neck and just held
me...I really liked it and as strange as it sounds...him...and guess what
happened today? I got this email from him saying that as much as he cares for
me, he doesn't like me like that. So after class as we're packing up, I
say something about feeling like he led me on, and he's standing there staring
at me, and I say “what?” and he goes “come here...I know you want to” and hugs
(or hold? I can't tell) me...it was really nice'
I skip entries to Term 3. Term 2 was hard, I
don't want to relive that again. I still can't figure out what was going
through his mind back then. I wish I could. He says he needed his space, figure
himself out. I find what I'm looking for and sigh. Sean and Grace... that was
incredibly painful but I need to relive it, to figure out what I did and why I
did it... this is where the fight began.
'September 8/09
Today was incredibly difficult. I (finally) get invited to Sean's
spot and I figure out who he likes in less than 10 minutes. He admitted it to
me today (I – strangely- feel loved cause I was the first person he's told) in
the library. We move outside to talk, and as hard as it was I told him to go
for it. I paused and took a deep breath. “I just can't help wishing it were me”
I say. I look up at the sky in tears. “I'm okay” I say. “don't worry” Sean says
something that I wasn't really listening to, so I go “mmm” and then I come back
to earth and I say “huh?”. He smiles. “you need a hug?” so I move over to him and
let him hug me gently. After we let go, Sean changes the topic to our group
assignment. He asks me if I know if the other group members are here today. I
nod “Tara's in the library” I say. Sean nods. “what do you say we go talk to
her about this?” he asks. I think he was trying to distract me from how upset I
was. Sean stands up, looking at me. I smile, “you go okay? I need a few
minutes” I say. Sean nods and leaves. I sit there, holding myself, because that
was the only way I could control my pain and how upset I felt. When he comes
back out he stops and looks at me “I have to go to the toilet” he says. “Then
we'll go to English with Tara OK?” I nod and turn away. I knew as soon as I got
up, I was going to either feel everything and break down or feel nothing at
all, be completely numb. Suddenly Tara calls my name “Marissa” she calls, I
glance up. No, not me, Marissa Breams. I put my head back down. Sean comes
back, slides down next to me, and waves at someone. “Tara went off with Ris” I
say. “no, she's over there” Sean says. “oh” I say, feeling (if it were
possible) more stupid. I put my head back down on my knees. Sean does something
incredibly sweet then, he pulls me into him and wraps his arms around me. I
know that I want to break down, but I can't. A few minutes later he gently lets
me go and I push my arm to steady myself. I go to get up and Sean looks at me.
Everything just came crashing back and I realize that this is real. I hold
myself again, my hair goes into my face. I push it away impatiently before
throwing my arm on my leg. Then I do something that I normally wouldn't. I
pretty much collapsed into Sean. My head was on his shoulder and he put one arm
around me and with his other hand he squeezes my arm a few times. Then he lets
go. “come on”. So I get up and walk with them. Turns out, I'm numb. I can't say
that much in English. Sean keeps looking at me, a worried expression on his
face. I can't even pretend to tell him I'm okay. I can't lie. After English we
walk to the bus bay and I'm stupid enough to admit to him that I thought he was
going to do something like kiss my head. But all he says is “I wish I could be
as amazingly honest as you” Sean also says that he's hesitating making a move
with Grace cause he wants to protect me. I told him there wasn't a need for
that. Sean tells me also that I should wear my hair out more often. Apparently
it looks better down. Something that stung was him telling me I should pay more
attention to how I walk. I can't help how I walk. But I thought that he was incredibly
amazing for trying to help me, and I told him so.'
'13/9/09
Well I asked Grace and unfortunately for me, she likes him. I told
him and he seems pretty happy that they both feel the same way. Grace called me
on Friday night to tell me that he told her that the only reason he was at
school on Friday was to see her. I am so glad that I wasn't there. She also
told me I have permanently moved to the library with them. I don't think she
understands how difficult this is for me. I think the only way to do this is if
I have a big fight with Sean and then tell Grace that he doesn't want me to sit
with them...I'll wait till next term when I have Olivia's company though'
'15/9/2009
At lunch today Sean (somehow) convinces me to sing for him today. I
told him, so he reminds Grace, so we went off by ourselves and I sung
“Beautiful Eyes” and “This Is Me”. I know he remembers “This Is Me” well. After
I finished he starts whistling the ending of it. They both said I was good.
Before that though, but after Roll Class he tells me this awesome idea that he
wants to do if formal is canceled. Now I want formal canceled. In English I say
something about he should go for it with Grace cause he only has to deal with
me for another five weeks. Sean contradicts me “no” he says. I think for a
moment, “well, give or take” I say. Then he says something like “I want to stay
friends with you for as long as possible” that made me smile. After English we
walk together and I point out “its quicker that way” so Sean says “lets go the other
way” I get confused for a moment before I realize that he's saying he wants to
talk more. P.E was really strange. Sean turns to me and he goes “what if you,
me and Grace go see that movie?” I
glance at him confused. “wouldn't it be awkward if I was there?” I ask. “nah”
he says “it'd be more awkward with just us” I smile. “there are limits with me
you know? And hanging out with just you two? Past my limits” after school I say
something like “if I left, you wouldn't say anything”. Sean turns to me “only
if it were best for you and if I knew it was what you really wanted” he says.
Which I'm taking to mean that if I try and 'break up' with him he's going to
know what I'm doing and he won't let me...I kinda want to see what would
happen...they know I'm not handling them liking each other, so why are they
both trying to make me stay? Sean told me that I'm not part of the reason for
him hesitating now. I think he knows I'm going to leave. I told him to hurry up
and go for it with Grace before the chance goes'.
'22/9/2009
So, I call Grace today, asking her if she wants to do something. So
SOMEHOW that turns into me, her and Sean having lunch at Macca's. It was pretty
good, we were all included, there were only a couple of moments where it was
like only me and Sean knew what was being said. But it was really cool. Grace
left and I turned to Sean, “so I take it your going too?” I ask. He smiles “I
knew you'd think that, nah, I can stay for as long as I want”. I smiled back at
him. We decided to walk back to my place and I let him meet my family. We
talked for a bit, then he decided it was time to walk back so he could go home.
On the way, I confessed that I was scared of losing our friendship...its
incredibly valuable to me, I also confessed that I was jealous of Grace as he
liked her. Sean looks side on at me, “you need a hug” and he hugged me, lifting
me up off my feet. I smiled and we kept walking. Then his mum came and I met
her, she's really nice. She was teasing Sean about today and how he feels for
Grace. It was funny. I didn't say much, I guess I didn't know what to
say.'
'28/9/09
So, we decide to do something today right? And then my carer
Dorinda turns around and says that because Grace is technically lying to her
mum saying that its just me, Dorinda would prefer it if Grace wasn't to come,
just to make things easier on her. I call Sean and tell him, he says he's cool
with it being just us. So I was slightly confused when I get a message from
Sean saying that Grace probably will be able to come...Needless to say it
really upset me, I was looking forward to it being just us, it had actually
said something to me that he was prepared to hang out just us, I thought that
he wanted to hang out just us. So I'm sitting in the toilet crying when Sean
rings. “hey, I realized that you couldn't reply to my message” he says. “yeah”
I say softly leaving the toilet. I go to my room and sink down against the wall
hugging myself. “she says that her mum probably won't mind” Sean says. I nod,
“its just...” I took a deep breath “if I suddenly turn around to Dorinda and
say that Grace's told her mum, what's she gonna think? I overheard her talking
to Brad, worrying whether or not you guys were using me to see each other. She
was reassured when you told me it was OK just us. And I don't know what she'll
say to this.” I took a shaky breath, and held myself tighter “and I'm going to
say this, I don't really want to hold this in anymore, I'm not okay with you
two liking each other, I'm not OK hanging out with you guys, I don't like being
constantly told what your saying to her, or how you try and flirt with her, I
hate it, I feel like I'm going to lose you to her, that I'm not going to be as
important to you, that your going to leave me for her -” Sean interrupts me
“Marissa, Marissa, Ris” he says softly. I stop “its okay” he says. “I'll text
her and tell her that its just us. But it's going to be okay” Dorinda pokes her
head around the door, “Marissa, could you come and dry the dishes please?” I
nod, “look Sean, just do what you want to do, I don't care” I pause “that's a
lie, will I see you tomorrow?” I ask. “yes” Sean says. I hang up. So after
that, you could forgive me for being incredibly surprised when Grace texts me,
saying she can come, and then rings me. “yeah my mum won't mind” she says
confidently. I pause, and go into my room. “Gracie? When did you last talk to
Sean?” I ask slowly. “um, about 40 minutes ago, when he told me about
your...um...Dorinda saying no to me unless I tell my mum” Grace says. I think
for a second, “nothing from him now?” I say. I hear Grace checking her phone.
“nope, why?” I take a breath, “he texted me that too, then he called me, I
asked him if it could be us...its kinda what I need right now, I...I can't
pretend to be okay right now” she pauses, “I'll text him and see what he
thinks” she says. I wait, and when she finishes I say “I'm sorry, I do feel bad
about this, but I just need Sean right now” I say. “oh” Grace says, “I can back
out if you'd like?” I nod, “yes, actually, like I said, I need him” I say.
Grace apparently wasn't listening, “ooh, I got a reply” she says. Then she
reads it out “to be honest, I do
want you there, but I think what she needs is for it to be just me” then she
goes “hang on” and there's another message from him “but, while we're on the topic, do you want to do something
on Thursday just us?” she reads. I'm in tears, and I feel like I just want to curl into a
ball and cry. I'm sitting there crying, “please, just tell him to forget it, he
obviously wants you there, just tell him to forget it” I beg. “Marissa, I'm not
going to do that” then she goes “hang on, I'll ask him if he does want to do
this”. We get a response, “I want
you there, I don't know what it'll be like just us, but I know what she needs” Grace
turns her attention back to me “please, just tell him to forget it” I say.
Grace sighs, “no I won't, but answer me this, do you want me there?” I
hesitate. “its a simple answer”. “I do, but what I want and need are two
separate things” I say. “he totally wants just you, he doesn't want me there at
all...he doesn't want to do this” I can feel my voice breaking, I go to the
wall and sink down. “please Grace, just tell him to forget it, I gotta go, bye”
I say and hang up. I sat there crying for a while, before I hear a ping on my computer,
I get up “I'll meet you down at our
park at one, I'll wait half an hour, it'll be just us, do what you want” Sean... I
hesitate, my fingers heading to type a reply then I stop, 'why should I make up
my mind t his second? Sleep on it Ris' Today, I wake up, and Dorinda's already
at work. Brad's left for the airport and I have the house to myself. I check
the time 11am. 'wow' I think. I get dressed and watch TV. Then in my own time,
I make myself brunch. I consider whether or not I'll go down to the park. I
don't think I will. Then something occurs to me. 'shit' I think 'my DVD'. Then
I shrug. He can get it from me later. I decide not to go. I get on the
computer, and talk to a few of my old friends. *ding dong* I glance at the
time. 1.20. I walk to the door and open it. “Sean” I say flatly. “Marissa, I
actually thought you'd come” Sean says. I give him a look. “Guess you thought
wrong” I say coldly. He gives me that look. The look where he looks so worried,
that all I want to do is hold him. I look at him. He keeps looking at me like
that, although I suspect that he knows that he's won. I sigh, and grab my keys.
“fine” I say. We walk down in silence and sit by the swings. Sean lays down,
and I want to cry because all I want to do is put my head on his chest. But
what I do instead, is lay down beside him. He looks at me, “wouldn't you know
it, I forgot your DVD” I smile, “its OK, next Monday” I say. He keeps looking
at me, “are you OK?” he asks. I shrug, “I'm better now” I say. We talk for a
while and then he says “neither of us want to hurt you” and then he shows me
this text from Grace saying the same thing. Then he gets up to get a drink. He
comes back, and steps on my hand “ow” I say. He apologies and then grabs my
hand, holding it and rubbing it for a few seconds, I guess as his way of saying
sorry. And that was hell, because I wanted him to keep holding my hand. I smile
and say it's okay, and move my hand away. Inside I'm screaming for him to take
it again. We move over to a table and I hold myself while we talk about the
painful stuff. Then as I move up to the bench I look at him “promise me
something?” he looks at me, “yeah?” Sean asks. “promise me that when one of us
leaves here to do whatever with their lives, that regardless of who or whats
happening, that we do something just us to say goodbye?” he nods. “done deal” I
smile. Then he moves across so that he's next to me. I turn around so that my
backs against the table. “you know when I was upset that Wednesday?” I say, he
nods, “all I wanted to do was collapse into you, like on Tuesday, but you were
too tired to notice how I was”. He doesn't even hesitate. “do it” he says.
“that was Wednesday” I remind him. “so? I know you want to” he says. I
smile and then I put my head on his shoulder, he puts his arms around me, and
puts his head on my head. I close my eyes, I'm exhausted, but I'm also trying
not to get upset again, I was wishing that it could mean everything I wanted it
to mean. It felt like ages later that he lifted his head “tired?” I nod, “yeah”
I say. Sean keeps his arm around me, but is looking around. “are you going to
stay?” he says. I know straight away what he means. “I don't know” I say
softly. “I mean, your my best friend, and I like the group, but...” he nods,
“yeah I know” he says. He said at one point today that he didn't know what he
had to say to convince me that we weren't going to change, I said I had to
convince myself. Anyway... the thing is I want to stay, so badly, but I still
have feelings for him, and I don't know whether I'm going to be okay with
everything next term. I guess I'm going to have to wait and see. At least I'll
have Olivia next term.'
CHAPTER 3
I remember those
holidays. I was so confused back then. I wanted both Grace and Sean's
friendship's, but I couldn't handle them wanting to be together and me being
left out, I guess I was so used to being so important to Sean, that I was
scared, jealous and so much more at the mere thought of someone else meaning
more to him than I did. Something I didn't write that day, was at the holding
point I wanted so desperately to tell Sean I loved him (friendship wise) but I
was scared. I didn't want to know his answer. So I swallowed it. I hate
pretending I'm okay, but I tried. For him? I'd do anything...but I guess it all
got too much. I guess by the time it came for our private goodbye, him and
Grace meant more than me and him. I don't know, maybe I will soon, but right
now I don't know what happened then.
'26/02/10
Worst freaking birthday ever! Kay had to change our birthday party
to today, which I was cool about, until I found out why halfway through. So,
we're at the party, Grace, Sean, and Kay got me presents, but nobody else knew
it was my birthday. The others were apologizing and I'm like “no big deal, you
didn't know, its cool” apparently a card was being circulated for me, but I
didn't know at the time. Sean got me 'Walking Naked' which I was very happy
about, and Grace and Kay got me books as well. So, anyway, its time for cake,
and as Kay and I are saying thanks for coming, blah blah blah, Grace hops up,
“guys” she says. Kay and I glance at each other, “this party was moved to today
for another reason as well as that Kay's dad was away on the original date” we
smile. Grace pulls Sean up “Sean got accepted into teaching at Uni, and he's
moving down to his aunts tomorrow” There were looks all around, and then
everyone claps for Sean, and I'm standing there in a daze. This girl who I've
always thought was incredibly quiet, Jenny comes over “Marissa? You okay?
You've gone kinda pale” I shrug, “yeah, I...I need some fresh air” I say, Kay
glances at me “cake?” I shake my head and sneak upstairs out onto the balcony.
A few minutes later, Grace and Sean come into the room, but they don't see me,
“I don't think then was the right time” Sean says. “what?” says Grace sounding
angry, “you wanted to wait until five seconds before she left?, it was already
really mean leaving things till the day before to tell everyone, other people
would've liked to say goodbye to you, Kay? Drew? Not to mention -” Sean cut
Grace off “alright” he says sounding annoyed. “I didn't think it through”. He
sighs. There was quiet, “are you going to say something to her?” Grace asks
softly. “I don't know” Sean says, “I don't want to, but I know I'll have to now...I
never thought I'd be the one to hurt her like this”. I know he's looking
at her, possibly annoyed. It goes quiet again, then “Come here” Sean says
softly. I see Grace go over and sit next to him, then he holds her and kisses
her. I sink against the wall, completely breaking down. That was the first time
I'd seen them do anything like that. I stay hidden, then Jenny and Abbey come
up and knock on the door. “oh! sorry to interrupt you guys, but have either of
you seen Marissa Day? Kay can't find her”. I see Grace get up, I can't speak,
let alone move, so I stay where I am. “I'll come with you guys.” she says, and
glances at Sean, “Sean?” she asks. Sean shakes his head, “she won't want me” he
says. Grace shrugs, “alright” she says and closes the door. I see Sean sigh and
run his hand through his hair. He stands up and opens the door leading out onto
the balcony. He steps out and closes the door behind him. Then he spots me
“Marissa”. I stand and go inside and down to the lounge room, Jenny hugs me,
and I sit on the couch. The others stand around, not sure what to do. Sean
comes in and sits next to me and pulls me into his lap. I sit there crying and
he holds me tight. He puts his head on top of mine. “Hey...” he says
soothingly. We sit there for a while, until I calm down. Grace sits next to us,
and Jenny and Kay sit on the floor. I can see Drew, Abbey and a couple of the
others standing close by looking worried. I wipe my eyes with my fingers, and
Sean pushes me back just a little so he can look at me. “you've changed” I say
shakily, but loudly. There were a few Looks, and I see Drew nod. “not telling
us until the day before, that's not you...letting Grace tell us? That's not you
either” I pause, and I can hear murmurs of agreements, I hop off Sean's lap and
stand. Jenny jumps up and puts her arm around me. “I think Grace was right, you
were going to wait five seconds before everyone left to tell us. Especially
me...what am I that unimportant to you now?” I say angrily. Sean stands.
“Marissa” he pleads. “no, its not like that, you should know that, your still
important to me”. I laugh. “well it sure looks like it Sean!” I say
sarcastically. “And...” I take a deep breath, but the tears are falling again.
Jenny tries to hug me, but I stop her. “don't okay? Not right now” she nods,
understanding that I need to say this. “And” I continue, “what about the
promise that you made me hey? You told me that when one of us left, we'd do
something just us, to say goodbye. But no, I just get a general goodbye...The
real you? You never would have forgotten something so important. But this new
you? I don't mean anything to that person, and if that's how its going to be,
then I don't want to know you.” I pause, in tears. “you were my best friend” I
whisper. “I loved you”. And then I run. Jenny follows, and so does Grace.
“Marissa!” I turn, just about to go and
walk home. Drew came up the path. “May I walk with you?” he asks politely. I
nod and we start walking, “Marissa wait”. Sean. I turn. “I would have waited
forever for you. But I don't know now”. I say and I start walking. Grace pulls
Sean back, “honestly, I'd leave her” I hear Sean sigh frustrated, “Grace, its me,
why can't I say something?” I put my Ipod on. I really don't want to hear
anymore of this. Drew walks with me, “your right Marissa, he has changed. We
all know it, but nobody's said anything” I nod, “please don't Drew” I beg. He
nods, a few minutes later we arrive at my house. “thanks” I say. “want me to
say anything?” he asks. I think for a second. “yeah, tell him...don't” Drew
looks at me puzzled. “just say 'don't ' he'll get it” I say. Drew nods “bye” I
say. I close the door and sink behind it crying. I felt broken...It was worse
than...anything'
So there it is... I
found out that Grace and Sean were together for 3 years. I found Grace on
Facebook, shortly after the breakup and we finally got to be good friends.
Apparently they were as close as we were. Probably closer. And then, one day without any explanation,
Sean left. Said he needed to be by himself. And then 2 or so years ago he
hooked up with Abbey. That was surprising, seeing as he always told me and
Grace that he'd never go back to her, and that he can't remember what he saw in
her. I'm just surprised that they called his little girl Kaitlin. Actually I'm
not sure if Abbey knew about Kaitlin. That's kinda ironic. What I don't
understand is how Sean could just completely ignore his promise. That really
hurt. I wonder if he remembered all that when we saw each other earlier. I've
got no idea, but I know I had flashbacks.
CHAPTER 4
The next day at work
Sean picks Kaitlin up at the same time as yesterday. He hugged me while we were
inside, and I saw Tessa give me a “look”. One of the boys in my room Ryan comes
up and pulls Sean away, “That's OUR Miss Marissa” he says haughtily. We laugh.
“Marissa, what time do you finish” Sean asks, picking up Kaitlin. “Um, I'm on
till 6.30” I say. “Why?” I ask cautiously. “Can I come over? I'll buy pizza” I
smile. “Sure” I say. Sean smiles at me, as I pick Ryan up. “I'll come back
then” I nod. “yeah” I say as he leaves. I turn around and Tessa's looking at me
very confusedly. “What?” I ask, smiling. “Do you know Kaitlin's dad or
something?” she asks cautiously. I smile, “Nah, I'm just going to let a
stranger come over to my house so I can...” I leave the sentence hanging and
Tessa's mouth drops open. “Tessa! As if! Of course I know him, we used
to be best friends”. Tessa smiles. Then I turn my attention to Ryan. “Ryan,
that wasn't very nice telling Kaitlin's daddy that I'm your Miss Marissa.
Kaitlin's daddy is my friend, and your my friend okay?” Ryan nods. I put him
down and he runs off. Sure enough as I walk out to the front desk at 6.30 to
leave, Sean's waiting on the couch. “Marissa, are all your kids gone?” Jess, the
head of the older kids asks. “Yes” I say. “all our rooms are cleaned up our
end, and Tessa's just cleaning the Babies room, where we had the kids”. Jess
nods, “I'll see you tomorrow”. I turn my attention to Sean “hey” I say. “I
came” he says smiling at me. I nod, “I can see that” I say. We walk out to my
car. “I thought you said you'd never get your license” he says teasingly.
“Kinda didn't have a choice. Dorinda and Brad told me that I couldn't move out
until I had my license... So yeah” I trail off. We drive towards my place, “So,
what did you say to Abbey?” I ask cautiously. “I told her I was catching up
with a very close friend, who I hadn't seen in years and that I'd catch a cab
back...she kinda guessed that it was you” Sean says. We drive in silence, and
then we stop at the shops, “I'm too hungry to wait for pizza” I say, “Macca's?”
Sean asks, reading my thoughts. I laugh, “yep”. We order and I drive back to my
place. Once inside Sean looks around “Nice” he says. I smile.
We eat in silence, I'm
wondering why he's here, I don't know what Sean's thinking. Probably wondering
how to say whatever he wants to say. I decide to bite the bullet. “What are you
thinking about?” I ask, a question I always used to ask Sean when he was quiet.
Sean looks at me “You actually”. I glance up, surprised. “yeah?” I ask. “I'm
remembering your 18th, holding you on the couch, I didn't know what
to say to make you feel okay, I didn't know how to tell you I was leaving
without you getting upset...but mostly” he looks at me closely, I meet his eye
“mostly I remember the feeling when you said I had changed, you were right, I
hadn't changed that much that I'd purposely kiss Grace in front of you, but I
didn't listen to you anymore, I forgot how important you were to me, how important
I was to you, I knew that you were right...Everyone knew you were right, even
me I guess...” Sean took a breath, and took my hand, I glanced down, and then
ordered myself to look up. “Marissa, forgetting that promise...I didn't forget.
I just figured that everything had changed with us, since Grace, so I thought
you wouldn't want to.” I sat looking at him, “there's more to it than that” I
say. He nods “wow, see you do know me” He attempts a joke. “your right though,
I was a bit self absorbed at that point, and I was only seeing Grace, nothing
else, Mum said I had changed dramatically since I began dating her. In a bad
way. I went home and told her what had happened, and she agreed with you, I
guess I knew I had already upset you enough with dating Grace, and I knew
saying goodbye to you would upset you more, because of how much we'd changed,
when I promised we wouldn't. And I couldn't upset you...but that backfired hey?
Instead of not upsetting you I upset you more” he sighed. “And...I've missed
you Marissa” in spite of myself, I smile, “I've missed you too Sean” I say. I
go over to him and wrap my arms around him. He puts his arms around me and we
sit like that for a while, I go to get up, but he pulls me back into him. When
I do get up, I look at him, “are we okay?” he asks. I know he already knows the
answer to that “I thought you hated the words “we” and “us” in regards to me
and you?" I say teasingly. Sean smiles. “I'll take that for a yes?” I
smile. “yeah” I say. “So, When did you and Abbey...?” I say seriously. Sean
grabs my hands and pulls me over to the couch. We flop down. “I broke up with
Grace just after I caught up with Abbey, I realized that I didn't love Grace
and I was just pretending to, and that it was easier for me to be with someone who
didn't really want to know me the way that Grace and you did, and I didn't want
to hurt Grace, so I broke up with her, and then Abbey and I got together, and
Kaitlin was the result,and I guess I felt I had to stick around” he said. I
nodded. “Do you...do you regret having Kait?” I ask slowly. Sean looks at me,
“In a way, I mean, as much as I care for Abbey, and I love her and Kait, its
just, I didn't want Abbey pregnant at that point of the relationship...But on
the other hand, if I hadn't have had Kaitlin, I wouldn't have met you
again...I've really missed you Marissa, everything about you” I smile. “me too”
I say.
There were a couple more
questions I had to ask. “How close are you and Abbey?” I ask. “Don't be jealous
already!” he teases. I smile, “I'm not, I just...I know how you are with being
close to people” I say. He nods, “I don't know, its hard after already going
out with her to try and go back out with her, I can't be as close to her as I
am – or should I say was – with you. But I'm staying for Kait's sake” I nod
again, “I know...After we... ended, I had another chance with my ex, but it
didn't work, I tried to be close with him, the way I was with you, but he
didn't want to be close, he wanted a more physical relationship” I say. Sean
puts his arm around me, “So, you were right all along?”. He says. “Your Ex was
using you” I nod. “How much of an idiot can I be?” I ask. Sean looks at me
“Your not an idiot okay? He's an jerk” I smile. “Thank you” I say. Sean looks
seriously at me, “I mean it Marissa, , he doesn't deserve someone like you, I
mean, your an amazing woman Marissa, and not to mention you are beautiful. Not
that I see you like that, but I do see you”. I blush, “thanks Sean” I say
smiling. He smiles back at me. “there's more your thinking isn't there?” he
asks. I glance down, “you caught me” I say smiling. I take a deep breath, “What
happened with you and Grace?” I ask. Sean stares at me and I don't look down
either. “Like I said, I changed while I was dating Grace, I think I just lost
myself in everything with her. And your party was when I begun to see that, but
I didn't want to lose her, I guess I was selfish enough to choose finally
having a physical relationship with someone over you - my best friend. I didn't
stop to think about how much I was hurting anyone, especially you. I let it go
for three years, and then I saw Abbey and I knew that I could be myself, the
real me, and she wouldn't care, I don't need to constantly be with her, and I
don't want to ditch everyone to be with her, I guess with Grace, I had a lot of
fun, and it was great getting closer to her before we were dating and I guess I
just wanted to keep that closeness going when we started dating, and I thought
that to do that, the easiest thing to do would be to forget about everyone
else. I knew how much I was hurting you, but I thought I was helping you by
involving myself more with Grace. I thought I was letting you get over me.
Marissa Breams told me that I was doing more harm than good, which I was very
surprised about, and so did Chrissy. She told me that I was being incredibly
mean to you, and that I wasn't doing anything for you I was doing it for
myself. We ended up fighting because I was mad that she was on your side and
not mine. But we're okay now too” Sean took a breath. “I only had Grace left,
at that point, and I couldn't pour myself out to her the way I did with you
because she never really understood. I mean, the others still were my friends,
Drew has always been a bit stiff with me since your party which has sucked, but
when I saw Abbey, I knew that I could be okay in a relationship with her
because we'd never be able to be close the way we were back then”. I nodded.
“So were you and Grace close? I mean, closer than us? I'm confused” I say, pulling my knees up to
my chest and looking down. I'm not sure if I do want to know the answer to
this, but it was one of those things where I just had to know.
CHAPTER 5
Sean grabs me in my ball
and pulls me into his lap. He lifts my chin so that I'm looking at him and with
his other arm wraps it around me and squeezes. “Marissa, haven't you been
listening to anything I've been saying? Yes we were close, very close, but it
wasn't us....I told her the things that happened while you were gone, I'll say
that she did replace you after you left, but it was a replacement, it wasn't
the same thing, your my best friend, I can't tell anyone anything the way I
tell you things” he says. I begin to smile, “I don't think there's anybody
really that I talk to things more about than you. I tried with Drew, but it
failed after the party, I think a few people were annoyed with me for hurting
you the way I did, Drew, Kay, Jenny”. He says. I nod, “I know, I've talked to
Kay and Jenny a lot and before they realized that I couldn't talk about it,
they were constantly saying how horrible it was of you. And then Grace was
kinda saying the same thing after you guys broke up and we got to be friends.”
I say. “But” I say, “I didn't know that Drew was still cranky about it”. Sean
nods, “yeah, we only just started getting to be good friends just before the
wedding”. My mouth drops open, I was that shocked. “Wedding?” I splutter. Sean
looks at me, “Yeah, Abbey and I got married last March”. I nod, “nobody said
anything to me” I say dazed. “Well, you didn't stay in contact with Drew did
you?” I shake my head, “didn't know him well enough to” I say. “and Kay went,
but not Jenny, and Grace didn't know either” Sean says. I nod again and Sean
pulls me close and holds me.
“I can't believe I
didn't know” I say. Sean rests his head on mine, “I'm sorry, I wanted you to be
there, but Kay said you wouldn't want to come, and nobody would give me any of
your contact details, I tried to pass on a letter from Kay to you, but Kay read
it and said you didn't need to know, that you were okay these days and that you
should be allowed to stay that way” I smile at Kay's protectiveness. “I'm glad
I didn't know, but I wish I did” I sniffle. “I feel like there's so much I've
missed out on with you, I feel like I don't know you” I say. Sean smiles at me.
“you still do, we just need a history lesson” he says. I smile. Over the next
two hours we relive the last seven or so years of our lives, and by the time
Sean decides he should go I feel like we haven't been apart. Sean voices my opinion
as we say goodbye and I smile. “So, I'll see you on Thursday” he says. I'm
puzzled. “huh?” I say. “That's Kaitlin's next day” he says teasingly. I smile,
“Now I'm the one with the bad memory” I say and we hug. Sean tries to lift me
off my feet and I laugh. He puts me down and I wave goodbye then shut the door
before going to curl up in bed to think everything over.
I gotta admit I was
pretty upset about not being invited to the wedding. There is such things as
White Pages, so it wasn't like Kay was the only way to talk to me. I really
wish I could have seen it. And what about the letter that Sean apparently wrote
me? I never saw that either. I wonder what he wrote? I look at my computer.
'Aha!' I thought. 'Facebook'. I sit over at the computer and go onto Kay's
profile, and click on photo's. Kay was tagged in an album “Sean and Abbey's
wedding” I click on the album and go through the photo's. They were really
good, Sean looks really happy. At one photo there's a comment from Chrissy on a
photo tagged “Sean and his school friends”. Chrissy wrote: “Awesome photo, but
I know there's at least one person missing, and I don't mean me”. Marissa
Breams had written, “Me? :P” and then Sean had written “Close, very close, but
no not you”, I check out the rest of the photo's. Sean looks amazing, and they
both look very happy with each other. I smile and I click on Sean's profile.
His photo was one from mine and Kay's party of me and him... Which I was quite
surprised about... I glance through his profile, there's a couple of funny
status's, but a quiz catches my eye, 'Who Misses You?'... the answer was an old
best friend, and Sean had written 'I wonder if this is right, I know I miss
this person...' I smile and then I hesitate before clicking 'add'. Then I shut
down the computer and go to bed.
CHAPTER 6
Abbey drops Kaitlin off on Thursday morning.
“Marissa?” she asks. I walk over to her. “Hi Abbey” I say smiling. “I was
wondering, is there a spot for Kaitlin on a Wednesday?” she asks. I check the
roll. “Not right now, but I know that we've got someone leaving in a couple of
weeks, would you like me to put your name down for the spot?” I ask. She nods, “And also, Sean and I have just
moved here, so we don't know anyone, so I was wondering if I could ask you to
babysit Kaitlin tonight?” she asks. I'm surprised but I try and hide it, “sure,
I'm on till close though” I say. Abbey nods. “Seven?” she asks. I nod again.
Abbey gives me Kaitlin “Sean'll give you directions when he picks her up” Abbey
says briskly. I smile. “Thank you
Marissa” Abbey says. “I haven't been out properly with Sean, well, since High
School. I married a man who I barely know” I look at her, “wow, High School?” I
say, pretending to be surprised. “Yes, We went out, then we broke up...I don't
know why... and I know he's gone out with a couple of people... At our wedding
we were with our old crowd, but there was one person who I really wanted to see
again... his best friend, but a friend of ours, Kay, told me that they hadn't
talked since her 18th when he was a jerk and chose his girlfriend
over her – his best friend.”. Abbey took a breath, “and I wanted to talk her,
to see if she could help me get to know my Husband again. He told me on Tuesday
afternoon that he was meeting up with her, and I didn't know whether to be
jealous or not. I'm worried that they're going to hit it off too well” she
says. Abbey smiles at me “I'm sorry, you don't need to know this” she says. I
shrug “Its okay, I know how you feel, but I don't think they'll do that. I
betcha she liked him when they were friends, but he went out with someone else
and that's what ended the friendship. I think he loves her, but not that way” I
say. Abbey smiles at me “Wow, you're
good, cause that's exactly the truth on how it ended...well from what I got of
the fight” she says. “Abbey...” I say, hesitating, wondering whether I should
tell her that I'm Sean's best friend. Then Tessa runs up, “Jess's vomiting” she
says. I smile apologetically and run off, “I'll see you tonight Abbey” I call
over my shoulder.
I didn't even remember
that I was babysitting Kaitlin until Sean was about to leave. That day had been
a busy one. I ended up sending three children home sick, and I had to tell all
our parents in my room that there was a virus going around. “Sean!” he turns at
the door and I walk over to him. “Firstly, there's a virus going around in my
room. So far three of these guys have it, so just keep an eye on Kait” he nods,
“I'll tell Abbey” he says. Then he remembers. “Oh, apparently your babysitting
tonight?” he asks. “Yeah, that was the second thing” I say. “Um, I'll come back
by cab at close, and I'll direct you to our place” he says. I nod. “I'll tell
you the third thing then, okay?” I say.
Sean nods. “Bye” he says.
I leave right on time
today, I nearly thought I wasn't going to be able to leave because one of the
mum's in my room was nearly late, and then she wasn't happy with not being
called about the virus. I apologized, and I manage to make her pleased by
telling her that the next time something like this happens, I'll ring her and
ask her whether or not she want's to pick her child up. We walk out talking and
I see Sean waiting again. “Hey Sean” I say. He smiles at me, and I wave goodbye
to the mother and child. I leave and we go out to my car. “I'll drive” Sean
says. I smile. “So, what did you want to tell me?” he asks. I sigh and then
tell him about Abbey wanting to know him the way I knew him. He smiled. “Well,
nobody can know me the way you know me” Sean says bluntly. “But I'm glad she's
trying”. I smile. “I'll tell her at dinner” he says. “Do you think she'll be
okay?” I ask. Sean nods. “Hey, I told mum about seeing you again” he says. I
look at him, “yeah?”. Sean nods, “yeah, she was happy. She did say that she
liked you for having the guts to tell me that I had changed so much” I laugh.
“Well like I said back then, I can't sit there and pretend that I'm okay when
I'm not” I say. Sean looks at me, “and are you okay?” he asks, giving me “the
look” that he used to give me where I all I wanted to do (as a result of the
look) was hold him. I look back at him “yeah, I am” I say softly. “you don't
sound too happy about that” he says laughing. I laugh too. “I am, I'm just
remembering when you used to ask me that, and I felt that I had to say yes. I hated
seeing you worried about me” I say.
We pull up at Sean and
Abbey's house and Sean opens my door for me. I smile as I get out and Kaitlin
comes running down the driveway. “Daddy!... Miss Marissa? What are you doing
here?” she asks. I laugh “Miss Marissa's staying with you while Mummy and Daddy
go out” I say. I pick her up, “Is that Okay?” I ask. She thinks for a second
“Only if you read me a hundred stories” she says. Sean, Abbey and I laugh.
“hmm, maybe ten?” I ask. Kaitlin thinks, “no, a hundred”. I smile and I say
“we'll see”. Abbey walks me around the house and fills me in on that I just
need to bath Kaitlin and put her to bed. “Can you finish your hundred stories
by 7.30?” she asks smiling. I nod. We go out to the kitchen and Sean says
“Marissa you haven't had anything to eat for awhile hey?” he asks. “Right!”
says Abbey, “there's leftover pizza in the fridge, or you can just heat up some
noodles if you'd prefer that”. I nod. “Emergency numbers? Your numbers?” I ask.
Sean holds up what I thought was his phone which was actually my phone. “Mine
and Abbey's are in here, the restaurant's and Cinema are on the fridge, and our next door neighbor
is home if you need anything” Sean says. I smile, “well that's perfect” I say,
“you guys go, have a good time” I say. Abbey grabs her purse and Sean puts my
phone back in my purse, “We'll be back at about 11?” Abbey says. I nod, “that's
fine, I'm off tomorrow anyway” I say. I shut the door behind Abbey and Sean and
I turn to Kaitlin, “Bath time?” I ask.
I give Kaitlin a bath
and then I take her to her room, put her pajamas on her, and I read her two
stories before I saw her eyelids flutter. As I go to leave she goes “turn
Daddy's song on”. Which I do, and am slightly surprised to hear “This is Me”.
“Leave the door open” Kaitlin says and I nod. I head downstairs and eat the
leftover pizza and wash up. Then I sit and decide to read a book with the T.V
on for noise. As I'm looking in the bookcase I find a box. I open it because I
think that it's wedding photo's but no. There's our yearbook, I look at the
autographs, Marissa Breams, Chrissy, Grace, all our group, there's mine 'keep
in touch, you'll go far in life, remember, you're amazing! thank you for
everything you've done...Love Marissa xx' I can't even remember what he
wrote in mine. I haven't looked at that in ages, I find this little black book
at the bottom of the box. I open it curiously, I guess I thought it was an
autographs book or something. I saw the date up the top and realized it was a
diary. Before I had a chance to do anything the phone rang. I quickly put the
diary back and grabbed the phone, “Hello, Brown residence, Marissa speaking” I
say calmly, but my hearts racing. “Marissa its Abbey, I forgot to mention
something important, Kaitlin sleeps with a nappy on at night” she says in a
rush. “oh of course” I say. “Sorry, I...She doesn't wear one of the day at
daycare, so I didn't think to ask” I say. “I'll go put one on her now, where
are they?” I ask heading towards her room, “In her drawer, in the first one”
Abbey instructs. “okay anything else?” I whisper. “no, thanks Marissa” Abbey
says. “bye” I whisper and hang up. I gently put a nappy on Kaitlin, luckily she
hadn't wet her pants. Then I went back to the lounge room where the diary was
staring at me. I sighed. I knew that if I didn't do it, I'd miss out on knowing
whatever he was thinking back then. And I doubt he'd ever know what I had done.
CHAPTER 7
SEAN'S DIARY
'March 16th
2009
So, Marissa asks me out. I wasn't expecting it. I mean Marissa
Breams had told me that Marissa liked me, but I wasn't expecting her to do
anything about it. I sat there for a few moments before saying that it was
complicated and Marissa asks me if I'm
gay. I say something along the lines of “something like that” and she gets up
and runs away. I try and get Lucy's head off my lap so I can go after Marissa,
but Lucy won't move. The next day I ask Marissa if we can talk, and she agrees.
I could see that she was incredibly upset, so I hug her. I don't think she
wanted to let go, so I hold her tightly and lay my head on her shoulder, facing
towards her neck. I don't see Marissa that way. Anyway, she emails me on the
weekend and I reply explaining that as much as I care about her, I don't see
her like that. She gets it during maths, and just as we're leaving Marissa goes
“I just feel like you led me on” she says before grabbing her bag. I smile at
her, “what?” she asks. “Come here” I say. Marissa hesitates. “you know you want
to” I say. Marissa allows me to hug her. I hope she realizes that I'm not
leading her on'
'September 8th
2009
I invited Marissa to sit with us today. She figured out that I
like Grace pretty quickly. We were sitting in the library and she asks me if I
like Grace. I consider lying to her, but I couldn't. I sigh “yeah” I say.
Marissa and I move outside and sit at our spot. Marissa glances quickly at me,
“you should go for it” she says before looking away. Then Marissa tilts her
head back and looks at the sky. “I just...I can't help wishing it were me” she
says. “I'm okay” she says softly. “Don't worry”. I look at her, thee are tears
in her eyes and she's hugging herself. “You need a hug?” I ask her. She nods
and moves over to hug me. I hold her close but tightly, trying to find some way
to make her okay, but at the same time I'm hoping that me holding her will make
it okay. I let go of her and gently turn the conversation to our English
assignment, hoping to distract her from her pain. Marissa attempts a smile as
she tells me where another group member is. I smile and hop up, offering
Marissa my hand. “You go” she says. Marissa explains that she needs a couple of
minutes. I decide to leave her. I go and talk to Tara for a few minutes. As I
get up Tara goes “time to go, do you where Marissa is?” I nod, “outside I think,
I'll just go to the toilet and we'll go”. Tara nods and I go outside. I spot
Marissa, who was still where I left her, holding herself again, and I feel
incredibly guilty for hurting her the way I have. I go to the toilet and come
back as Tara comes over. I wave her away as I slide down besides Marissa.
Marissa tells me that Tara went off with Marissa Breams. I point out that
Tara's waiting for us and Marissa puts her head back down on her knees. I
didn't even think about what I was doing, I just pulled her into me, and wrap
my arms around her. I hold her, and then
let go a minute or so later. Marissa unfolds herself and goes to get up. She
catches my eye and her eyes fill with tears again. Marissa holds herself again
and throws her arm on her leg before collapsing into me and leaning her head on
my chest. I hold her again. 'awww' I think. I put one arm around her and with
the other I squeeze Marissa's arm a few times. When I let go she gets up and
comes with Tara and I. Marissa doesn't say much in English which makes me look
at her quite a few times trying to ask if she's okay. She looks back at me, but
barely responds. After English we walk together and Marissa admits that she
thought I would kiss her on the head. I hate, but I love Marissa's honesty. “I wish
I could be as amazingly honest as you are” I say. Marissa nods. “it can be a
bad thing though” she says. Marissa looks really upset still. “Marissa, I don't
know if anything will happen with me and Grace. I'm incredibly protective of
you and I don't want to hurt you” I say. Marissa looks at me “don't not do
anything. You don't have to worry about me” she says. But I do worry about her.
A lot. There was then talk about what I do see of Marissa. I reluctantly tell
her that I think it looks really nice when she wears her hair out. I know
she'll keep it out now.'
I skip to the day at the
park. I wonder if he wrote anything then...Apparently he did. I glance at the
time its only 9.30pm. Lots of time.
'September 28th
2009
I decided to do something with Grace and Marissa again. But
Marissa's carer's apparently have said that until Grace tells her parents that
I'm actually there, they'd prefer it if she didn't come. I text Grace and tell
her. When I ring Marissa I say that I'm
all for convincing Grace to tell her parents, but Marissa is pretty hurt that I
don't (in her opinion) seem to want to spend any time with just her so I agree
to ring Grace and tell her that it's just going to be us. I didn't though
though, I knew that Grace would call Marissa, and I guess I thought that
Marissa would pretend to be okay and say yes to Grace. I just really wanted to
see her, I thought Marissa would be okay.
So later I get a text from Grace asking me what's happening and if its
just actually going to be me and Marissa the next day. I text back that that's
true, and a few minutes later I get a reply asking what I actually want to do.
I hesitate, and then I text that I'd prefer it if she was there as well, but I
know what Marissa needs. As soon as I hit send I have an idea, so I quickly
text Grace asking if she wants to do something just us on Thursday. I get a
reply a few minutes later, “Marissa says to forget tomorrow, I made the mistake
of telling her what you were saying, and I'm busy on Thursday” I ring Grace and
she says that Marissa was practically in tears when she told her that I wanted
her there, and that Marissa hung up on Grace. I don't say that much. I know I'm
killing Marissa. I email Marissa once I'm off the phone saying that I'll see
her tomorrow. I was pretty surprised when she didn't come. So I went up to her
house. I had no idea what to expect, whether she'd be at home, or whether she'd
talk to me or not. I rung the doorbell and waited nervously. She answered it. I
knew she was surprised that I had come. I plead with her to come, and I must
have done something right cause she came. We talked for ages, about everything
with Grace and us. At one point she asks me to promise her to say goodbye to
her, just us when one of us leaves. I said yes. Hopefully I can remember this.
Or hopefully she reminds me of it when the time comes. I told her to collapse
into me at one point, and I just sat there with her. I kinda hoped that she
realized at that point that I did want to be there with her, and that I'm not
going to leave her, and that she is important to me, and I never want that to
change.'
there's an entry from my
birthday... this should be interesting...
'February 26th
2010
I got accepted into the Uni course I wanted. I told Grace
straight away. The only thing was I had to leave on the 27th. So
when Kay said that her and Marissa's birthday party was being moved I asked if
the 26th was okay. It was actually Marissa's birthday that day, but
Kay was cool with it. She spent her actual birthday clubbing with some friends.
Grace suggested telling everyone together, and until Marissa yells at me for
forgetting my promise, I had completely forgotten about the promise. So when
we're about to have cake, Grace jumps up and tells the group, as everyone
congratulates me, Marissa disappears. I'm looking for her, but then Grace pulls
me away. We go upstairs to the guest room. I get angry at Grace for telling
them like that, completely forgetting that it was my idea, and Grace fights
back. I guess I knew I had lost Marissa, so I gave up fighting with Grace and
we made up by kissing. I considered letting it go further than kissing, I
figured everyone would be gossiping about my news, so I fall back onto the bed,
and as Grace and I are making out, Jenny and Abbey (my ex) walk in, Jenny
blunders an apology about interrupting us and says “Don't worry, I don't think
you guys have seen Marissa”. Grace gets up “I haven't, but I'll help you find
her”. She turns back to me, smiling at me, “coming?” she asks. I shake my head,
“she doesn't want me right now” I say. Grace nods and shuts the door. I go out
onto the balcony and as I look down at the door, I see Marissa, I say her name
and she walks off downstairs without saying a word to me. I follow her and she
sits on the couch. I sit with her, pull her onto my lap and attempt to comfort
her. She calms down, and then she yells at me for changing the way I was when I
started dating Grace, for forgetting her, and especially her promise. Then she
runs off. I run after her, but she whispers “I would have done anything for
you, but now... I don't know”. Grace tells me to stay and Drew walks her home.
He comes back and I step forward, knowing that Marissa would have passed on
some message. “don't” he says. I look at him confused. “that's what she said” Drew
explained. I nodded. The others went
back inside helpfully avoiding the topic of Marissa. Little did I know they
agreed with her. Grace and I sat on the couch and she held my hand, she knew
that I had lost my best friend. “I'm not on your side completely” she says. “I
agree with Marissa. And I thought it was really wrong to say goodbye like this.
I remembered your promise to her. I didn't say anything because it was your job
to remember. Not mine...But this is between you and her, or it was, I don't want
this to hurt us” she says. I nod and Grace hugs me. I sit there holding her,
hating myself for losing someone so important to me.'
So that's what happened
after I left. I wish I hadn't have read that. I didn't really want to know that
my party was the first time that they had gone further than kissing. I really
didn't want to know that. I sit there for a second breathing heavily. I go to
shut the diary, I figured that seeing as it was old, that it would have ended
when I left him. But no, there's more. I flip through, two more entries. I
glance at the time again. 10. Yeah, I still have time...Okay, the date on this
one says that its around the time that Grace and Sean broke up.
'July 6th
2013
My 21st today. There was this big party with Grace,
our families, and all our friends. Lucy had helped by inviting some of the
others like Tara, Chrissy, and Marissa Breams. I have to admit, I looked for
about half an hour for Marissa Day. Marissa Breams comes up and kisses me.
“Happy Birthday!” she says. I smile. “How are you?” I ask. She smiles “Great!
You?” I smile, “I'm great as well Ris” I say. I really want to know if Marissa
Day is here, but I don't want to ask. I excuse myself and keep walking. Mum
comes over to me. “Surprised?” she asks. I laugh, “yeah” I say, “Grace did a
great job”. I'm distracted and Mum knows it. “She's not here” Mum says. I look
at her, and pretend to be confused.
“who?” I say. Mum gives me a look, “Marissa Day”. I nod, “I wish she were” I
say, feeling upset. Mum hugs me. “I know...I know you miss her...She told me
that she missed you too” Mum says. I look at her. “What? When?” I say. “I
called her a week or so ago. I told her your 21st was coming up, and
she said that she realized that, I told her that I was pretty sure that you
missed her, she sighed and said that she missed you, and she asked me how you
were doing lately, and when I mentioned that you were still with Grace, she
asked if that meant you were still the person you were when she left you, and I
hesitated, so that gave her the answer she wanted, and she declined my
invitation and we hung up. It didn't even change things that you miss her.” I
sigh. “I really want to see her again. I want to apologize”. Grace comes over.
“Embarrassing photo's time” she says smiling. I pretend to care, “What did you
do?” I say in a shocked voice to Mum. She smiles, knowing that I'm pretending
to care.
Later, Grace goes home, and I'm glad for it. I want to be by
myself. I look back at our yearbook, and I go into flashback mode on Marissa;
after Math class when I hugged her, when I told her I liked Grace, Term 3
Holidays, her party, and other memories. I remember how close we were; I remember telling her that the whole thing
with me, her and Grace had brought me and her (Marissa) closer. I remember when
she confided in me that Dorinda and Brad weren't her parents, when she told me
what happened for her to have to go into care. So many memories. Then I look at
my autographs page, which I never actually looked at before...guess it escaped
my memory. There were messages from
Grace, Marissa Breams, Chrissy, Lucy, Tara and some of the others, then I found
Marissa's message. 'Keep in touch, you'll go far in life, thank you for
everything you've done...Love Marissa xx'. I smile at her message, I knew she
would have hesitated over the “Love” and the “xx” I desperately want to
call her and talk to her, but I can't. I can't find the courage to get her
number, not to mention to dial her number. I miss talking to her, I miss her
knowing me better than anyone, except mum, she knew me better than Grace, I
also miss knowing her the way I did. I think she still would know me, even now,
I tell Grace things, but I feel like I'm just replacing Marissa, its not the
same talking to Grace as it is with Marissa. I really miss her, she was my best
friend. I loved her, although I'd never told her that. The moment never came, I
knew I'd tell her when we said goodbye, but it never happened. I wish I could
see her again, somehow I'd find a way to make her okay, I'd hug her as my way
of saying sorry, and then I'd talk to her about everything and try and make it
better. I don't know if I can pretend to Grace that we're fine, and that we're
best friends as well as lovers anymore. I wish I could ask Marissa's advice.'
so, that's....wow...I'm
speechless...I don't even know what to say... maybe this last entry will help
me to find something to say.
'August 17th
2017
So, I caught up with Abbey, and we ended up falling for each
other again, I broke up with Grace, and one thing leads to another, then 2
months later Abbey rings me saying that she's pregnant, what else do I do? I
stay with her. 7 months later we have Kaitlin (the name isn't my idea...I liked
the name Emily) and then I decide that seeing as I'm in this for a while, I'll
propose. Abbey accepted and we got married last March. I wanted Marissa there
so badly. I asked Mum and Kay, but they both refused to talk to her or let me.
They both said that Marissa was fine these days and that she didn't need the
past being dredged up. I guess they were right. I didn't really feel like
celebrating without Marissa, but I didn't know how to contact her and I sure as
hell couldn't say anything to Abbey, so I left it. I really wish she was there.
The only good thing about the wedding was Drew being there. He's finally
forgiven me for hurting Marissa that much. You know, I think he liked her...
not that I'd ever tell her that. Marissa hates being told that people see her
that way...Anyway, I was still missing
her when Abbey decided to go back to work. I couldn't take Kaitlin as I'm a
teacher these days, and unfortunately the preschool said they couldn't take her
until she was at least 3 and a half. So we enroll her into the local childcare
centre, and I go to pick her up on her first day, but nobody was in the room.
I'm looking around, and on the wall I spot the teacher profiles. I read about
the Assistant, Tessa, who sounded nice, then I glance at the Leader's profile.
Marissa. I glance at the picture, and I recognize her eyes. I smile 'wow' I thought.
'I've finally found her, after seven years'. There's a polite cough behind me
and I see Marissa. She doesn't recognize me yet, I think that's cause she
hasn't actually looked at me yet. “I'm Kaitlin's dad” I say. Marissa smiles,
and goes over to the fridge. “Marissa” I say. She looks at me, I know she
knows. Then Marissa really smiles and I laugh and I walk over and hug her. I
wanted to tell her how much I missed her, but I didn't want to remind her of
anything right then. I let go, and she stumbles and leaves to get Kaitlin.
There's a remembering moment when Kaitlin announces that Marissa played my old
favorite “This Is Me”, I know Marissa's remembering everything we were, and the
song. At that point I lost myself in thought remembering when she sung “This Is
Me” for me. Kaitlin interrupts, and I say goodbye. The next day I ask Marissa
for dinner, and she accepts, -knowing her - without knowing that everything
will be talked about, and we did, I told her what happened with me and Grace,
and meeting up with Abbey, and we talked about the old days, and her party, and
Everything we were. I want to go back to how we were, but I know that it'll
take time, I can't say that I want to be better than what we were, cause I know
that the only thing better than what we were would be more than friends, and
there's no chance of that ever happening. I really care for Marissa, and I love
her heaps. Just, it could never be that way...I could never see her that way, I
don't know why, I mean she's amazing and all, I think – and I feel incredibly
shallow for admitting this, even if its just on paper – that its because of how
she was back then. I don't think she was over what her parents had done to her,
I think if she tried to get into a relationship with someone who knew, it
wouldn't work because she couldn't pretend not to be afraid... Also, although I
love Marissa, I just can't see her that way, I know that in due time someone
will, but I can't...I don't think I ever could. I mean, I see her, but I can't
really see her the way someone else will. She's just not attractive to me... I
mean I know she's attractive...just not to me...But I'm really glad she's back
in my life...'
Ouch! I shouldn't have
read that though, it's kind of my own fault for reading it...I pack up the box
in a daze and I look at the clock again. Nearly eleven. Luckily I'm off
tomorrow, I think I'll need it...The door opens and I walk over to the door and
open the wooden door, “Hey Marissa” Sean says. I pretend to smile. “Kaitlin's
fine” I say to Abbey. She smiles. “That's the first time we've left her with
someone” Abbey says. I nod, “feel free to ring me again.” I say. Abbey tries to
give me money and I refuse “No, I can't, your already paying me for Kaitlin
being in care, I can't accept, seriously...” Abbey gives in and puts the money
away “Well, I have to repay you somehow” she says. I smile “Something might
come up sooner or later”. I say to make Abbey feel better. It works. “I'll come
with you home” Sean says. Abbey nods. “I think I know the way to my house” I
say. “I insist” says Abbey. I give in. “alright” I say. I say goodbye to Abbey
and Sean climbs into the drivers side. “do you remember how to get to my
house?” I ask teasingly. Sean nods “Believe it or not, my memory has improved”.
I laugh “I'll believe it when I see it” I joke. Sean sighs, “I told Abbey” he
says. I take the sigh as a bad thing, “yeah?” I say cautiously. “She's happy,
but she was worried, and then she told me about your conversation with her
earlier, and she said that now that she knows the truth about us that she's
okay with it”. I nod as we pull up at my house.
As I go to get out I
pause, “Sean? I love you” I say. He glances at me surprised. “Is this...” he
trails off, but I know what he means “as friends” I say. He nods, “I thought
you knew that by now that I love you too? I mean, only as friends, but...” I
shake my head. “I didn't...and then” I pause... “yeah?” Sean asks. “Your box
fell out of the bookshelf, and as I'm picking everything back up to go in I saw
a notebook open with my name in it, so I guess I had to read it, and I found
out more than I wanted to know”. Sean grips my hand. “Like what?” he asks. “You
and Grace fooling around at my party?, that you can't see me that way, that I'm
not attractive to you” I say softly, turning away in tears. Sean gets out of
the car and walks around to my side. He grabs my hand and pulls me out and
inside my house. He takes me into the lounge room and sits on the couch holding
me. “I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have written that” he says. I shrug, “its the
truth” I say. “don't hold back” Sean pulls me into him, nearly crushing me.
“Marissa, hey” he says soothingly. “I'm sorry, I thought you knew I wouldn't?”
he says. I breath, “I knew you wouldn't, but it still feels like you've stabbed
me” I say. “I thought, even though you didn't see me like that, that you'd at
least see me...I bet you a million dollars that I see the real you more than
Abbey does” I say. Sean smiles at me
“Well, your right, but I'm not giving you a million dollars, cause I owe you
like three million now hey?” I laugh. “yeah” I say. Sean tilts my head back to
look at him, “Marissa, you are beautiful and amazing,and anyone would be lucky
to date you, but I'm not the person for you...I'm here to be your best friend,
to support you, and love you, and be there for you, and that's why your here
for me...I promise you that someday soon someone's going to come and sweep you
off your feet, I just hope that you don't leave me behind the way I left
you...although I'd deserve it...” he pauses and goes back to holding me. I feel
better, “so I am your best friend?” I ask. He smiles “yeah, I do have other
close friends, but you are very important to me...and before you ask, I do
really love you, I'm not just saying that” he finishes gently. He glances at
the time, “Ris, I gotta go, I've got school tomorrow” I smile, “its cool”. He
calls a cab and right before he goes, he hugs me and lifts me off my feet,
“Take care of yourself Marissa” he says. As he goes to go I call out “Sean!” he
turns. “You called me 'Ris'” I say. He looks puzzled. “I did?” I nod and he
smiles. “I guess I did” he says and waves before going.
I'm sitting in bed the
next morning watching the news when the phone rings. “Hello?” I say glancing at
the time. Its 9ish, still pretty early. “Marissa Day?” a female voice
enquirers. “yes?” I say putting on my professional voice. “Its Terri Jones from
head office here, I have the results from your job interview for the job in
Tasmania?” Terri tells me. I blank for a second before remembering. “yes?” I
ask hopefully. “you've been successful in the job, are you still
interested?” I smile “of course” I say.
She asks me to start in two weeks. I hang up in a daze and start making calls.
First I ring Dorinda and
tell her. She was extremely happy for me. Then I ring the real estate agent and
inform them that I'm leaving. I ring work next to inform them that I'm
transferring. They are quite happy for me. Then I ring the removal company for
boxes and to book a truck. Then I book my airfares and ring Grace. She tells me
straight away that I'm living with her until I'm on my feet. I text Sean while
I'm talking to Grace and tell him via text. He texts back immediately 'when
are you leaving?” I tell him that I'm leaving on Saturday. “well, I guess
you'll be busy Friday night then?” I'm puzzled. “huh?” I say. Grace
and I hang up. Then Sean rings me. “You're with me Friday night...you really
think I'm going to let you leave without saying goodbye?” he asks. I smile,
“um...” I say jokingly. He laughs. We make plans and hang up. I start to pack,
then I find the yearbook. Sean's autograph is there. “thanks for being such
an amazing friend. Believe in yourself. Keep in touch okay? I'll never forget
you. Love, Sean” I smile, and keep packing.
On Thursday Lucy, Abbey
and Kay took me out shopping and we ended up meeting up with Kostos, Jenny and
Rachael and Drew called and told me that I was catching up with him when I was
settled. It was great to be with the group again. Apparently at Kay's and mine
30th birthday we're all catching up as our group again. Sean had
work so he couldn't come.
I got home on Friday
night from my last day at work to find Sean sitting on my doorstep. I smiled
and we went inside. “I want you” he says to me seriously. I glance at him, “to
be Kaitlin's godmother” he says. I smile, “okay” I say. “so now you don't have
an excuse to not keep in touch, and visit, I expect yearly visits” he says. I
laugh, “alright”. We talked for ages, I tell him that I am excited to see Grace
again. I then tell him that Drew told me that I'm catching up with him when I'm
settled, and Sean gives me a knowing look. I throw my pillow at him, “What?” I
say. He smiles “nothing”. I slapped him, and he surrenders and says something
about Drew apparently liking me back then. I laughed. “yeah right” I say. When
its time for him to go I don't want him to, I hold myself at the front door,
and he looks at me. I unlock the door and then I walk away, I couldn't say
goodbye to him, that was going to hurt too much. Sean walks over to me, and
turns me to him, he keeps his hands on my shoulders, “What was that?” he says,
“This isn't goodbye, you've lasted seven years without me, its only one okay?”
he says. I glance down, and Sean pulls me into him. I cry and he just stands there
hugging me tightly. When he pulls back, I'm surprised to see that he looks
upset too. Sean pulls me in again and kisses my forehead. We stay like that for
a while, then he kisses my cheek gently “Take care of yourself Marissa, I'll
see you in a year”. I nod and wave goodbye, knowing that it's not goodbye this
time, its more of a see you in the distant future. I know I'm going to be okay.
I can feel it. 'And plus' I think to myself 'I can't be too upset, I get to see
Grace again!'. I close the door and curl up in my bed, falling straight asleep.
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